Aula.

Ayoko na ng mga aso. 

Una, kasi mabaho ang tae nila. (Okey, mas mabaho sa pusa. Point taken kaya mas ayaw ko ng pusa.)

Pangalawa, kasi kahit ano na lang ang nginingitngit nila. (Hindi chew toy ang tsinelas ko, okey?)

Pangatlo, kasi naghuhukay at nagbabaon sila kahit saan. (Nagiging Jolly Chicken Chicken Cemetery ang garden namin)

Pang-apat, kasi choosy sila sa pagkain. (Kailangan pa ng personal chef!)

Pang-lima, higit sa lahat kasi kahit na totoo ang mga binanggit ko, mamimiss mo pa rin sila kung wala na sila...

Nami-miss ko si Aula.  

Labis kalahati rin ng buhay ko na andyan sya. Pitong taong gulang pa lang ako nung inuwi namin sya sa bahay, ngayon dalawampung taon na ako. Kung meron man akong naging karamay sa lahat ng aking pinagdaanan hanggang sa umabot ako sa kung sino ako ngayon, maliban kay Mama, si Aula iyon.

Natuto akong mag-bike, kasama ko syang nag-crash landing sa kanal. Nahulugan ako nga paputok nung isang new year, kasama ko syang nagtago sa kwarto sa takot. Unang pagkakataong iniwan ako sa bahay ng mag-isa, kasama ko syang naghintay sa veranda para hintayin ang pagdating ng iba. Naghiwalay sina Mama at Papa, kasama ko syang umiiyak sa likod ng bahay. Unang crush at heartbreak, tahimik lang syang nakikinig sa lahat ng kakornihan ko. Pumasa ako sa UPCAT, hindi man lang sya nagreklamong iiwanan ko na sya....

Ngayon, ako na ang iniwanan nya. Sa pag-uwi ko ngayong pasko, wala na ang aking bestpren para salubungin ako. 

Ayoko na ng mga aso?
Sino ba ang niloko ko? 

Miss na miss na miss na miss na miss na kita Aula, 

Kim

P.S.

Sigurado akong kasama na siya ni Lord ngayon. Paumanhin na lang Lord, medyo makulit yan. 

Thesis at Graduation. (Edited)

Limang buwan na lang bago ang graduation.

Sh*t, limang buwan na lang para tapusin ang thesis.

Ang hirap. Hindi mawala sa isip ko na baka walang graduation na mangyayari dahil sa thesis na 'yan. Ang hirap kasi i-skedyul, ang tagal dumating ng mga inorder na materyales, ang bagal gumalaw ng komunikasyon. Umalis pa yung kontak namin sa kompanyang "sponsor" kuno... At nabanggit ko na bang hindi pa kami nakakapagsimula sa eksperimentsyon? Kinakabahan na ako.

Ayan, eto na yata ang pakiramdam ng pagsisisisi. Hinaluan pa ng kaba. Bakit kasi hindi inayos nung unang semestre? Bakit kasi hinayaan kong maunahan ng aking katamaran ang pangakong matatapos namin sa loob ng linang buwan ang thesis, na walang INC na magaganap. Pero ayun, pagkabukas ko "View Grades" sa CRS, INC agad ang bumungad.

Alam kong sa puntong ito bawal na ang magkamali. Bawal na magka-INC. Bawal ang mag-drop. Lalong bawal ang magka-singko. Heto pa naman ako at hanggang ngayon nangangarap na magkaroon ng Latin Honors. Nalulungkot tuloy ako, nakakatakot kasing isipin na kaunting mali lang, maaaring mawala ang lahat. Matagal ko na ring pinangarap at matagal ko na ring pinaghirapan ang laude standing na yan. Gusto ko lang naman kasing makasamang umakyat sa entablado si Mama, maibigay sa kanya ang hindi nya nagawa noong siya ay nagtapos dahil kakapanganak pa lang niya kay kuya noon. Higit na para kay Mama ang lahat ng mga pangarap na ito. Hindi lang para sa akin.

Sorry kay Mama, hindi ko mapapangakong makaakaakyat sya sa entablado, dahil hindi ko mapapangakong may laude ako. Ayoko kasing ma-"jinx". Pero eto, pinapangako kong matatapos ang thesis na yan. Kahit ilang bag semento pa ang kailangan, kahit ilang sponsors pa ang mawala (as if naman ang dami), kahit ilang defense pa, kahit ilang milyones pa ang gagastusin , kahit konti na lang ang panahon, gagawan ko ng paraan.  MAKAKAPAGTAPOS AKO. Ga-graduate ako hindi dahil bigla akong gumaling sa thesis. Ga-graduate ako dahil mahal ko si Mama.

Hindi na ako magka-cram (masama yun),

Kim

Papa's little girl.

Written May 2010:

Last April, I spent a week with my dad... with his whole "new" family in Batangas. It was cool with me, the "new family" thing. I was even excited, actually -- or so I thought.

This wasn't the first time I got together with them so I already knew what to expect. I know the basic facts; that Tita Sonia had 3 kids, that she had a sister who lived with them and had one of her kidneys taken out last summer, and blah blah blah. And I know they really tried their best to make me feel at home, but they're really still no more than strangers to me.

I thought I wouldn't get affected with all of this 2nd family issues. It's been, what? Ten years? It's been too long already. But, you see, I've lived a life away from my dad and them. And I never really knew how it felt to see them together... They were like this happy, shiny, giggly family. The one I didn't have...

And I just couldn't fit in.

Just a day before my flight back home was Cydie's birthday and she had a party (yey). It was MY dad who greeted her at exactly 12 midnight, with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, just before we went to bed. And it was also MY dad who cooked for her birthday brunch. Two of the many things and two that definitely hit straight home, which I never experienced even once in my life. Thinking about it, I can't even remember a birthday that MY dad was actually there. But actually, the thing that hurt me the most was that he was HER father that time. Not mine.

Of course I had to wear my celebrating look all day, looking happy and excited and jumpy,  but deep inside I fought back all the tears just to keep a smile plastered on my face. I had myself pulled out together pretty well until after the party, when my dad and I had some time alone to talk. I think the alcohol got him. And for the first time, after everything that has happened, after ten years, he had the guts to ask me:

"Is this alright? Is she alright?"

.......

Like, hello, what was I supposed to say? Was "NO" even a possible answer? How was I supposed to tell him that at the back my head, I was still clinging to this tiny-tiny hope that he and mom would be okay. How would I get the strength to tell him to spend Christmas with us, just like the old times? How would I tell him that I still wanted to be his little girl.. his ONLY girl. How was I to tell him to come home, not to their home, but, to OUR home? How could I do that without breaking this family? How could I tell him all of that without breaking his heart and shattering mine all over again.

I couldn't... so I just nodded.  Smiled. He smiled. And I knew I answered right. Then, I walked away and told him I was too sleepy to talk.

I left the next day while Papa was still asleep. I kissed him goodbye and, even if it didn't seem to be right, I knew I was leaving him where he ought to be -- where he's happy. I couldn't have been more happier for him. Really, I couldn't. 

Maybe my next visit would be better. Maybe I'd start to let my wall down and start to feel like family.. maybe... just maybe. Because We can never really escape pain. It will always be there and it never goes away. It just becomes a little less overwhelming, just enough for one to get by, and finally, hopefully, learn to live with it and move on. Live.

I love you, Papa. Be happy with them.. so that I could finally, willingly, give you up to them.

You know I'll always be your little girl,
Kim