Bye.

Left this blog and moved to www.lovedianne.wordpress.com
See you there :)

I am not sad.

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."

written by Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

Darkest before the dawn.

First and foremost, I am going to talk about home. No, not this crappy place we're staying in right now. I'm talking about home HOME.

I've always been away from home ever since high school, but I have never missed it as much as I miss it now. I miss mom's home-cooked meals. I miss waking up at noon. I miss our dog. I miss afternoon chitchats with my grandma. I miss my mom's hug. I miss everything. Even the annoying cat (who's not ours by the way), the heck, I miss him/her too. 

Also, the fact that I'm still jobless does not really make things any better. Sure, my mom says I should take my time, but I just could not ignore the fact that I still don't have a job when I'm supposed to already. Yes, there are offers here and there, but it's either that the compensation is not enough to make ends meet or that its not anywhere related to my course or that the place is just too far or that the bond is just too long. Don't get me wrong, I am not choosy, I really am not, but I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider for this; I have responsibilities I have to pull through, I have relationships to maintain and, of course, I have my future to think about. 

And, did you know that I just celebrated the crappiest birthday ever? Well, scratch that, because there was no celebration to begin with. Which is really odd for me because I like birthdays. In fact, I love birthdays but not this one. I did not want to spend for it, because, again, I have no job. And I guess people were not in a celebrating mood without food. So there, pft.

You know, sometimes, I think I chewed more than I can swallow. Sometimes, I would just want to run away and forget about everything else, and just for once think about what I really want for myself and myself only.. I wanna be selfish just once. But then, I am not that kind of person. I am not a runner. I would just have to see this through. Like always do.

Life really sucks right now, but as the song goes...

Oh, I have another interview tomorrow. Please, let this be my "dawn" already.

Please. Please. Please.

Struggling but still hopeful,

Kim

Draft.

I am as confused as hell what I'd be or where I'd be in the future. I was only sure of one thing though and that was I was so sure that you'd be there, whatever or wherever that future is. 

Now, my future is just a blur.

We had a plan, or I thought I had a plan. We both would graduate from different universities, we eventually would come together after 5 years and we both would say that we beat the odds. We could just kick the butts of all those who said that we'd never make it through, but I guess they were right. I should have known my plans were just too good, too ideal, to be true.

Plans change. People change. We changed, we weren't an exemption. You and I used to have long happy talks, but then I one day I couldn't hear you anymore. All I could hear was a stranger talking to me at the other end and I guess I sounded the same for you. Somehow, we became indifferent. Somewhere, and I can't pinpoint when, we stopped caring. 

It was five, yes, FIVE, years of my life. Let me grieve for it for a while. Let me just cry. Let me rearrange my life. Leave me alone and let me map up a new path that I could somehow convince myself to crawl into. I have always said that I'd be okay without you to anyone who'd ask "What if you break up?". I always shrugged off that question in my mind because I was confident it would never happen. Was confident. Now I'm starting to realize I wasn't and I was more of like scared to even consider it. And I am still scared. 


You were, you are and you always will be, my first love. I sound so corny, but it is true. And it hurts, because I loved, I love, you so much. Whoever says that parting from a long relationship is easy is either the most insensitive b*tch in the world or lying. 


I know there's still more for me out there. I'm not going to bury myself in hurt and despair forever. But, just as what I have said, let me just grieve for awhile. Let me just take a moment, a day or two (maybe even a week, a month?), to get this over with. I promise I'd find a way to make my life right again.


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WOW. I was browsing my unpublished posts here on my blog and I found this. I guess I was really hurt that time. Ang OA mo lang te. I can't believe I was that dramatic. HAHA.


And, oh, we did not break up. We are as happy as ever. <3

Always the drama queen,
Kim